How does a hospital stay impact your sex drive & feelings about your body?
Hello there, dear friends! Welcome back to another instalment of Caring About Sex and Disability!
Have you ever wondered how a hospital stay might impact your views on disability and sexuality? If you have, then do I have a blog for you! Recently, I decided to take a trip out of town to visit some friends. Given my level of severe disability, this always takes a ton of planning to accomplish successfully. But, I set up my caregiving team, booked my train, and I was off. I remember getting really excited about all the new Grindr guys I might meet while I was away… and then… this happened.
The night I got to my friend’s place, we had dinner. Nothing too crazy, just a Greek salad while we watched Netflix. Pretty healthy, right? Well, my body didn’t think so, because at 2 a.m. I started vomiting uncontrollably. We called the ambulance and explained that I had severe Cerebral Palsy and needed help right away. Of course, as the paramedics came in, I was immediately struck by the fact that they were both gorgeous. Two tall, broad-shouldered guys hoisted me onto a gurney and put me in their ambulance en route to the hospital. On the way over, we made small talk and laughed. It is my dream to date a paramedic—I just wish the hot ones didn’t always have to see me like this. Sigh.
Once in hospital, I was greeted by one of the most handsome Emergency Room nurses I had ever seen. He was kind, attentive, and did an excellent job of calming me down. Eventually, it was discovered that I had my fourth bowel obstruction (something that can happen often with Cerebral Palsy) and I would need to be an inpatient for a few days.
After my first night in, listening to the familiar hospital sounds that so many disabled people are used to, I started to worry about my body and my sexuality. You may be thinking, “Andrew, you’re in the hospital—how were you thinking about sex at all?” and you’d be right to ask. When you have disabilities like mine and you’re hospitalised, your body becomes even less a part of you than it was before. Nurses clean you, hospital staff feed and dress you on their schedule—you really have no autonomy at all. That lack of autonomy, or any kind of freedom, made me worry that no one would ever find me desirable. As I sat there with tubes in my nose and other places, I would stay up until 4 or 5am, routinely worrying that my disabled body was no good. I worried that every single time I was hospitalised, I’d never have a significant other with me, because who would want to navigate being with someone who is always sick? Intellectually, I know that’s all bullshit, and that everyone gets sick, but the stigma of being disabled and sick can really do a number on your psyche. I found myself worrying that I’d never have sex again, and that I’d just lay in my hospital bed and wither away.
These worries I was having about my disabled body, desirability, and being in hospital are a big part of why we need to have discussions about sexuality and desirability with someone during a hospital stay. I mean, they can ask you how your pooping is, but they can’t ask you how your sexuality is doing?! Disabled people know how much hospitals strip you of your humanness, but we never talk about how they strip you of your sexuality. By the end of my five days there, I didn’t feel connected to my sexuality at all. My body was only to be cleaned and washed—nothing more. There needs to be someone who can help you navigate this particular grieving process as a disabled person, and help you find ways back into your body that feel good to you. This is also an ongoing need because I have been home now for just about three weeks, and I am still finding that I worry about my desirability after being hospitalised.
I share this story with you because I know there are so many of you out there who are dealing with this, and you feel lost, scared, or angry that your sexual desirability might never come back after a hospital stay. I hope that by sharing my experiences with you, I can help shine a light on this! If this is something you’ve also felt, and want to explore therapeutically, please contact the Care Rehab team.
Until next time. Thanks for caring about sex and disability with me.
Andrew Gurza