Hello friends! One of the things that I struggle with as a disabled person who has sexual needs and desire, is how to manage my sexuality when I am not feeling at my best or going through a health scare. I get annoyed so quickly when my libido doesn’t match up with how the rest of me is feeling, and I wanted to explore some of the ways that you can still connect with your sexuality when your disability has other plans. Let’s crack into it, shall we?
Fantasy helps us give a f*ck
We’ve all heard the old saying, the “biggest sex organ is the brain”, right? Well, when your body isn’t making you feel good and your disability makes you feel less than delicious, I can’t recommend fantasy enough. Recently, I had a flare of IBS that knocked me out and I couldn’t have any sex for a while. I was bummed out. I grieved that my body couldn’t do the things I craved, definitely, but I knew a way through it. I just imagined my favorite sex partner lying in bed with me and holding me in bed, naked and making me laugh. And, you know what happened? I was able to achieve orgasm just by using my imagination. It was really hot and helped me reconnect with my body. Think about your hottest fantasy as a disabled person, and on days when your disability isn’t coming in the way you want, maybe you can use fantasy to c*m to terms with how you feel. Give it a try!
Talk to your sexuality and disability
When I want to be sexual but my disabled body has other plans (which is way more often than you might think), I talk to both my disability and my sexuality aloud. I ask my sexual needs what could be different to make this work? How can I adapt your need so you get what you need? I’ll then ask my disability how it feels about everything—is it hurting? Does it think that sexual activity will help it feel any different? I know that this might sound slightly out there and a tad “woo woo” to some of you readers. It did to me too, at first. But, as my needs have changed, and my disability sometimes takes sharp left turns that derail all my fucking desire—I found that actively talking to those parts of myself has helped me understand a lot of how I feel about my relationship with pleasure, desire and my Cerebral Palsy. We can get so intermingled with all the feelings, taking an active moment to pause and talk to each part of yourself, might help you light a match somewhere in yourself, or at the very least, find a way forward.
Tell your partners you don’t feel well – but you want them
This one time I had booked a session with my body worker and I ended up not feeling well. I didn’t want to reschedule because it had been months. I thought about lying to him and saying I had a flu, because I was so embarrassed that my chronic pain was going to ruin my ravenous appetite that had not been sated for so long. I remember crafting the text about how I was sick, and just as I was about to hit send, I deleted it. Instead I wrote, “My chronic pain is acting up, but I really want to see you. Can you just come over and be with me?” He came over and it was a low-key session. He touched me gently, but understood I was in high pain. We had more laughs and vulnerability in that moment than I had had in a long time, and friends… It was so hot. I know our impulse is to hide those parts of our disabilities from partners or f*ck friends, but I have learned that being with a partner when you don’t feel 100. Being able to share that honesty can bring your desire dynamics up to 200.
Plan Your Next Sex
If none of the above is working for you, and you still want to connect with your sexuality, one of the things that I like to do is plan my next sex. I’ll start a text chain with a partner about all the things I wanna do the next time. I’ll ask for things like copious kisses, time for non-medical touch, and time to say silly sexy things to them. Planning this out via text reminds me that there will be a next time. It reminds me that my disabled body can perform all the things I want it to, and it will again—just not right now. Seeing the texts reminds me also that I am disabled and someone wants my body as is. Test it out, friends.
This list is certainly not exhaustive, but I hope this gives you things to try when you feel like crud but you still wanna cum. Until next time!
Order my new book Notes From a Queer Cripple: How to Cultivate Queer Disabled Joy (and be hot while doing it!) wherever you get digital/physical books.
Andrew Gurza